I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
How's work?
Spinning.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize