Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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