____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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