Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
