You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
