Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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