Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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