quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
