textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
