Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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