Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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