You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize