I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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