apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
