I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
