She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
