my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
