its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
