Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
