if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
