i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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