Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
