how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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