Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
