Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
