nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
