I just made out with a guy for $7.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
