gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize