why didn't you poke me back
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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