a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
false alarm. still invincible.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
