dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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