Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
