So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
