I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
