I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
