Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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