I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
