Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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