my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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