my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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