my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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