I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize