You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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