dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
