U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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