I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
