i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
