nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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