I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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