I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
