found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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