pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
