Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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